Tonight I attended my first parent's support group meeting for parent's of kiddos with ASD's...(short for Autistic Spectrum Disorders). What a pleasure and relief to find other parents who are riding this same emotional and parental roller coaster! Much of our evening was spent sharing our background about our children...how old they are, when they were diagnosed, what they're like, what they struggle with, what WE struggle with, and lots of helpful ideas and tips.
I am glad to have found these people. But I am fixating a little on something one of them told me when I shared our story. I mentioned that comparatively, Kelly and I are still in the beginning stages of all of this as we're still trekking to nail down the diagnosis and formulate a plan for therapy. I mentioned that we're still experiencing the grief process where some days we're mad, some days we're in denial, some days we're depressed, and some days we're good. This group member said, "That never goes away."
There is a practical realization of this idea and at the same time, an overwhelming sense of heaviness. There is very little preparation (outside of much prayer) that comes to mind. And sitting here thinking about it, isn't all life that way, too? We all have good days and bad days. But I think, for me, the overwhelming heaviness comes from knowing that as far as Hayden is concerned, these days will always stem from the same root. Oh, if I could pluck out that root and burn it! How angry it makes me that I can't fix it!
But I have hope. I have hope that her issues seem to be more mild than some. I have hope that maybe one day these challenges that we face with her will be less challenging. If I'm honest, I want it to get easier because we know what to do with the challenges. But nothing is ever easy. I've learned that by now.
We'll keep pushing forward though. My husband and I will keep making jokes with one another because we deal with things in laughter. We'll keep loving our baby and fighting for her rights and for resources to help her. And I'll keep praying and learning and trusting that God knows what He's doing and that no matter how the evidence seems to point to the contrary, He has our best in mind. My next post I think will be a good deal lighter...We love you all. :)