Monday, December 10, 2012

Unearthed Thanks

Sometimes I just can't find myself. And sometimes, I feel eaten alive by insecurity. And my nerves are raw edges that dig at me and make the very air around me seem ragged and harsh. Doubt and paranoia are wicked foes and I just want to sit in the dark and cry. And I feel like a wrinkled, bitter, frigid shrew; unlovely and striving against hate and rage and uncertainty. 

Praying gets interrupted by battles with my thoughts. I want to feel secure again so much. These feelings, the lingering events-past, are a distraction and an attack. And isn't it always the way that when I feel like I'm making progress, something shifts and suddenly I'm back at the beginning?

I must thank…I must thank. Gratitude for my life and my circumstances, regardless of how hard and how painful, is where I will ultimately find chara, joy. It is where I will remember what has been done that I might have life and have it more abundantly. And these last few weeks have been hard because the thanking got buried under the rush of the daily grind.

The thanking is a reminder of the blessing. It propels me to share; to focus on others. And then I am fortified for the battle. The thanking becomes praying and then praying flows fluidly. 

Jesus, I offer unearthed thanks:

Nov. 1--3 Gifts Eaten:  Lunch at Friday's with the Hubbs; Delicious Zingers; Creamy Butternut Squash Soup

Nov. 2--3 Gifts Worn: Warm sweaters, Cozy scarves, Toasty hats

Nov. 3--3 Gifts That Start with "N":  Nummy candies, Never-ending love from the Father; New Life because of Jesus!

Nov. 4--A Gift Gathered, Given, Good: Leaves gathered everyday by Kiddo as she leaves school; A new hoodie given by a dear friend; God who is so very good!

Nov. 5--3 Gifts Acorn-Small: The tiny pills that have made such a difference in Kiddo's learning & experiencing; The tiny pills that help me feel better while sick; Faith the size of a mustard seed that can be powerful enough to move mountains

Nov. 6--3 Gifts Government:  The freedom & privilege to vote; A society that is not torn apart by war; A country that has been shaped and formed to provide freedoms and rights that are found very few other places on this planet.

Nov. 7--3 Gifts From Your Window: The view of Fall happening all around me; 

Nov. 8--A Gift Sweet, Salty, Sipped: Halloween Candy! Chips & Salsa; Mug of Homemade Butter Beer to soothe the sore throat

Nov. 9--3 Gifts Harvest:  Harvest of friends we've found here; the Harvest happening on farms all over our region--food provision from the Provider! Harvest of blessings that He provides daily!

Nov. 10--3 Gifts Found in Bible Reading:  For of His fullness, we have all received grace upon grace; Then a shoot will spring from the stem of Jesse, and a branch from his roots will bear fruit; All right then, the Lord himself will give you the sign. Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel (which means ‘God is with us’).

Nov. 11--3 Gifts of Remembrance: My Grandpa, My Sister, My Savior

Nov. 12--3 Gifts at Noon: Lunch to Eat, Sun--high in the sky, Time to stop and breathe

Nov. 13--3 Gifts Behind a Door: Happy faces of a family waiting our arrival; Coming home again; A fridge with plenty inside it

Nov. 14--3 Gifts Silent: Silent before the Word--Bonhoeffer's Words; Silent Night & Holy Night; When snow falls

Nov. 15--3 Gifts Golden: Golden lights on Christmas trees; Golden trees; Golden ornaments

Nov. 16--3 Gifts Hard Eucharisteo: Battling my thoughts; honoring regardless; sick kitty

Nov. 17--3 Gifts of Laughter: Funny memes; Silly with my sister; SNL

Nov. 18--A Gift Made, Shared, Passed On: Made bread from scratch; Shared a meal with a dear friend; Passed on a sentiment from Bonhoeffer

Nov. 19--3 Gifts Autumn: Trees; Sweaters; Crisp Air

Nov. 20--3 Gifts of Traditions: Christmas Tree up the day after Thanksgiving; Considering new ones; Post-Thanksgiving trip to VA & Williamsburg at Christmas

Nov. 21--3 Gifts Family: Trip to VA to see family; Willingness of family to chip in for joint gift for Kiddo; Full support and unconditional love
Nov. 22--A Gift Grateful: My life

Nov. 23--3 Gifts Only in Christ: Salvation; Peace; Loving Others

Nov. 24--3 Gifts Humble: Overnight sitter for our anniversary; parents' willingness to help; White ceramic Christmas tree with peg lights like Grandma's--from a friend

Nov. 25--3 Gifts Ugly-Beautiful:  Skinny & sore kitty on the mend; Couri Family Christmas Tree 2012; My messy house

Nov. 26--3 Gifts Preparing: A home in Heaven; Baked yummies; God--the return of the King

Nov. 27--A Gift Handmade, Held, Happy: A meal made by a friend; Holding a little girl close to my heart at bedtime; A Happy Kiddo

Nov. 28--3 Gifts in Community:  Church family; Small group family; Kiddo's wonderful school

Nov. 29--3 Gifts Red:  Sparkly Christmas balls; Star on my ceramic tree; Bows on presents

Nov. 30--3 Gifts Astonishing!:  Advent; God with us; Grace