Last week was
grim. Circumstances I found myself in dealt me a heavy blow; I felt immobilized
and sad. Everything I had to do felt like weight pushing my feet into thick,
gluey mud. And so I muddled through what couldn't be avoided and I did a lot of
reading.
I read in
Isaiah:
"I am the
Lord, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen
you, though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the
sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am
the Lord, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I
bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things."
(45:5-7)
And concerning
this verse, I read,
"God ordains
whatsoever comes to pass--in an ultimate sense, all things…God says
essentially, 'Look no further, the buck stops here.'…So we see two crucial
truths here: first, God is the cause of all things; but second, and just as
important, God is the final and only ultimate hope we have in all circumstances…"[1]
And also,
"…When God
allows something, he is acting deliberately--he is decreeing that event. God
doesn't just watch bad things happen. What is accidental from our perspective
was specifically allowed by God. He who holds all things together must sustain
the very molecules of the bullet as it flies toward it's mark."[2]
I read in
Deuteronomy:
"See now that
I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand."
(32:39)
And concerning it:
"It is
abhorrent for some that the Judeo-Christian God of the Scriptures might be the
one who wounds and in his sovereignty 'afflicts' some with disabilities.
However, if there is hardness on one side, there is profound comfort in the
other. He also proclaims himself the one who heals. It would be one thing
if he only afflicted. Such a horrific god would certainly engender fear and
submission, but not love and devotion. It would be equally horrific if he were
a god who only healed, because that would mean he has no control over the
afflictions that assail us."[3]
And this excerpt
from a favorite blog:
"...But
the slave may declare, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children. I don’t
want to go free.’ If he does this, his master must present him before
God. Then his master must take him to the door or doorpost and publicly
pierce his ear with an awl. After that, the slave will serve his master for
life. [Ex. 21:5-6]
The edges of my
ear, bore through and blatant.
This murmuring
with David:
“You do not
want sacrifices and offerings.
But
you have made a hole in my ear
to
show that my body and life are Yours.” Ps. 40:6-8
I had been sitting
in a Bible Study when my ear had tore straight through and here I was with a
right opened ear…Sometimes what you think is an open wound needing to heal--is
God opening you up like an ear to hear Him and obey...Stand before that door
and be bore through — because this is the only way through...What do I need
more than His love and what do I want more than His will and when I am my own
master, don’t I have a fool for a master?"
Even while I still
hurt, I set in motion the closing of my fingers and wrapping of my heart around the truth that my grim
week was sanctioned for a purpose that I couldn't see; may never see. It served
a purpose--one that I can believe that He allowed to bring good and glory to
Himself and is therefore better than I could ever hope for. And wasn't this part and parcel of my belonging to Christ? If I am to be marked His bondslave, wasn't this part of the process? All of this, I felt, should have weighed me down but yet I discovered peace and not discord in my heart; a lessened sense of drowning in
my heartache.
Speaking of
aching: when we ache, we want it to stop. When we've ached, we never want to
feel it again. In fact, a large portion of our energy is spent trying to build
a impenetrable force that ensures that we will never ache again. What was it
Shakespeare wrote? "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
Aching is never
without purpose; practically or spiritually. And when we look hard at only the
hurting and not at the learning, we miss it. Easy words, though. But, if
the reasons behind my hurting have God-purpose that I can abide in without
seeing, then letting go of my lost expectations, desires, dreams becomes the
next logical step, albeit an arduous one.
I'm far from
having this all figured out. Could I think or say the same if events were
worse? If violence and trauma marred the loss I felt? If the loss had been
complete? Some stand in that place right now and these words seem garish and
ugly; far from comfort and peace.
At the end of the
day, I stake my heart on this because it is all I have: God is good. His ultimate purposes (though I
cannot comprehend them) are for good. Giving and taking does not change His
goodness, no matter how much I might think it does.
Learning, always
learning.
For now, though, it is a start to say and to begin to believe:
"This too is
from God's hand. I can go nowhere else."[4]
For these and so much more, I give thanks:
1--My daughter singing along with silly songs; hearing my husband say my name; a new worship song
1--My daughter singing along with silly songs; hearing my husband say my name; a new worship song
2--Crisp air outside; warm air and cozy smells inside; fresh baked bread on a plate
3--Grace said over me by a mentor; grace said over me by a teacher; grace offered up by my daughter
4--An old appliance still works like new; a new stone loaf pan; new blue shoes
5--Reading about God in wool and honey and wine and disability; making a new scarf; seeing God's work in my life
6--Two new pens from my lover in my bag; two round wheels of brie in my fridge; amplified love of my Savior in my heart
7--Grace from my husband during my week of grim; grace from my friends when I feel lonely on Friday nights; abundant grace from my Savior each and every day
8--Sunset in a dusky sky; my reflection in the mirror when I'm having a good hair day; shadow of my man sitting next to me
9--Held my daughter's hand while we walked; passed by trees sparkling with ice; sat with Jesus-sisters in Bible study
10--Lemon sour to flavor my tea; chocolate pie eaten in fellowship; bowl of soup at just the right temperature
11--Each new rise of the sun is mercy; yellow dreams a friend shares is mercy; a sunrise on the morning of His rise is mercy
12--The starry skies above, the waiting spring below, my Savior and my God beside
13--I am grateful for being made to understand compassion; for beginning to learn patience; for being who God made me to be
14--Grace for my mistakes; grace in the hard truths; grace in my messed-upness
15--New jacket worn; outgrown clothes given away; lunch shared with a friend
16--Witnessed God's blessing of new life given; witnessed friends' work toward a goal completed; witnessed much progress made by my girl in communicating
17--My husband brings me laughter; hard things and thanks bring me prayer; waiting on God brings me quiet
19--My daughter; my husband; but for the love of God, my salvation
20--The joy in serving; the strength in godly relationships; the beauty of marriage
21--Fluffy flakes float from the sky; the cleaning power of water; the memory of sweet communion
[1] Michael S.
Beates, Disability and the Gospel
(Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012), 37.
[2] Joni
Eareckson Tada and Dave Draveky, eds., The
Encouragement Bible (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2001), 964
[3] Michael S.
Beates, Disability and the Gospel (Wheaton,
IL: Crossway, 2012), 32.
[4] Michael S.
Beates, Disability and the Gospel (Wheaton,
IL: Crossway, 2012), 45.
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